Why oh Why…?

There are quite a few ways in which the Why-Question can be used, but today I’d like to shine some light on the ‘Deeper Why-Question’.

This type of Why-Question can really help in connecting you to how you want to show up in the world, and especially, what you are looking to have in the future.

Here’s an example: imagine a 16-year-old who would like to work in the aviation industry. Maybe they’d love to help design an environmentally friendly aircraft one day. Even at a young age, they can start figuring out what it might take to get there (even if they end up changing their dream later on).
Having excellent mathematics skills will without a doubt be one of the ‘building blocks’.

But like with everything that you are trying to make happen, challenges WILL pop up along the way. It’s inevitable. On some days, learning math will seem too difficult and never ending. Our 16-year-old may want to throw in the towel…

This where our ‘Deeper Why Question’ comes in: reminding themselves WHY they are trying to perfect their math skills in the first place can help them overcome those roadblocks and can allow for procrastination and self-sabotage to be released. ‘Getting back in the game’ will be much easier.

Just sit with yourself a minute and think about what it is that YOU are working towards in your life. And more importantly, how you can make use of the ‘Deeper Why-Question’ in times of insecurity and self-doubt to reconnect with your dream...

© Els De Schaepmeester
For more info on how to work with me: www.thehouseofhealing.info

The Need to Know...

Our human brains are innately geared towards ‘The Need to Know…’.
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone (including myself!) who isn’t on some level anxious or curious about what will happen in the future. As humans, we seem to also be well equipped with the ability to imagine a negative outcome.

Let’s say you are in a relationship crisis. You have no clue whether you and your partner will stay together. The ‘angst’ can take you away from the place where you actually have some emotional control: the NOW.

Yesterday is over (thank goodness we are capable of forgiving ourselves for mistakes we made because we lacked the wisdom to do otherwise) and tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet (which makes it a blank canvas that we can start prepping for if we want to).

Instead of wallowing in fear it can be very refreshing to focus on the ‘process’ and not so much on the end result. Being engaged, getting creative in the moment and learning new skills is the best remedy against poisonous and paralyzing thoughts and habits.

In the example of relational problems you can begin to let go of the need to know how things will turn out by practicing nurturing ways of thinking, allowing yourself to be free of no longer helpful patterns, forgiving your younger self, ...
You may end up with a much better situation than the one you were ever able to imagine for yourself.

© Els De Schaepmeester
For more info on how to work with me: www.thehouseofhealing.info

Making a career switch…

Now more than ever I hear people express to me that they wish to change career paths, they want to work in a different field, they would like to learn a new trade…
For many, it remains a dream at the back of their minds. But – luckily – we live in a time where there is more openness around changing directions. Let’s face it, if you are currently part of the work force chances are you will be working about 15 years longer than your parents did.

So it’s only natural that many of us start wondering ‘is this it?’, ‘Is this the job I’m going to be in for the rest of my working life?’ Just as with our personal relationships our expectations of the work that we do have shifted. Generations before us often viewed it as a way to secure an income. And even if that is still the case, nowadays we also want to feel fulfilled, add value, develop our skills and personalities.

Let’s say you want start a business or work in a completely different industry than the one you are in right now. To move yourself out of the ‘dream zone’ and into the ‘explore & act zone’ the key thing to do is: ‘pick something’! There is so much talk about taking the first step, and realizing that it’s a gradual process, but there is so much power that comes from simply ‘making a choice and trying it out’.

I know a girl who would like to become a dating coach one day (great choice with nearly 50% of the population being single, often not knowing where to begin when it comes to the dating game!). She’s got the talent, but her friends and relatives are skeptical, they don’t want her to get disappointed, they fear that it won’t bring in money (the usual),…

But even though she knows it might take her a while to get there, she has made up her mind and she recently started studying and learning about the topic. And maybe she’ll find out that this isn’t what she was looking for after all.

This is where I see many people give up on their dream altogether. They’ve started investing in something and then they discover that it’s not for them. They stop and keep themselves stuck in the ‘I’ll never amount to anything’ zone.
In this stage it’s vital to be able to let go of the initial plan and simply try something else!!
It’s never a waste of time, you always gather valuable information that you can use further down the line.

Anyone who knows me, also knows that I’m all about ‘persistence’ and ‘not giving up’, but I’ve added an equally valuable skill along the way: the freedom to try stuff out and if I don’t like it, simply leave it and do something else. When I feel enthusiastic about it, I’ll do more of it and so on.
Before you realize it, you will have built your confidence level and your expertise…

© Els De Schaepmeester
For more info on how to work with me: www.thehouseofhealing.info

Perfectionism

In the self-development world the topic of perfectionism is pretty hot and trendy right now.

Wikipedia writes: “… a personality trait characterized by a person's striving for flawlessness and setting high performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations…”.

I suppose we all have some notion of what perfectionism is, but there are many forms, some more ‘visible’ or ‘detectable’ than others, even to ourselves. Here are some of the aspects you may recognize. These are not separate categories; it’s quite common to experience several of these:

• Spending a lot of time on details, losing track of the bigger picture
• The need to check and ‘check again’, without ever being satisfied with the result, even after the task has been completed
• Worrying about what other people will have to say about x, y, z
• Giving up before you’ve even started; an ideal recipe for avoiding disappointment, at least in the short run
• Often feeling like 'it’s never good enough', being very strict on your thinking, behavior, performance, … and generally being quite harsh towards others too
• Setting a goal and as soon as you reach it, setting a higher goal, without really enjoying or being proud of your accomplishment
• Feeling the need to control situations, people, etc. leaving little room for improvisation or an element of surprise

Needless to say that after a number of years perfectionists can be under a lot of stress, which can eventually lead to (serious) burnout.

Luckily there are fantastic methodologies available to us today that can help transform the perfectionist if he or she wishes to do so. And as a (former) perfectionist myself, I am happy to see that there is a growing awareness around the topic.

However, I do feel that the positive sides of perfectionism (post transformation) are not much talked about. A bit more knowledge about these could potentially take away some of the resistances and anxieties that exist for those of us who would like to make changes.

In my own life I have noticed a major shift after letting go of the unwanted mechanisms of perfectionism: it ‘birthed’ a striving for quality and a true joy in doing a good (enough :-)) job. Going the extra mile without pushing, and thinking out of the box and being adventurous when the situation requires it are elements that brought a lot of ‘light & air’ into my work and life.

If you feel like you want to make changes in your ‘perfectionism program’ but you are afraid you may become inefficient and passive, I hope this post will offer you some reassurance...

It’s a lot of fun ‘on the other side of perfectionism’!

© Els De Schaepmeester

For more info on how to work with me: www.thehouseofhealing.info

How to elegantly decline an offer...

‘Let’s begin with an example:

“One of your friends is expanding their business. It all looks very promising. Your friend trusts you and wants you on board. They offer you a role on the team. You feel honored and are tempted to accept the job, which would open up a lot of opportunities for you. At the same time, you are drawn to working on your own projects rather than stepping into someone else’s dream. You feel the dilemma and you don’t know which way to go…”

In this story it will be difficult to kindly turn down your friend’s offer without hurting their feelings. And unless you become honest with yourself,  you will - in all likelihood - remain lingering in a state of indecisiveness. Getting clear on what you DO want – rather than keeping yourself stuck in what you DON’T want – is key to moving out of the ‘no control zone’ and into a sensation of feeling at peace with yourself and your choices.

This approach will make it much easier to respectfully decline, which can even turn into a learning and bonding experience for both you and your friend.
You can take it a step further and become an avid supporter of your friend’s business, who in turn will be much more open and willing to cheer you on in any of the projects you wish to pursue.

Learning how to be emotionally honest with yourself and – hence – with others is part of ‘becoming an adult’. Not the easy route, I know J, but forever rich and full of ‘life’…

© Els De Schaepmeester
For more info on how to work with me: www.thehouseofhealing.info

Self-confidence: End Goal or Byproduct?...

Many people I have encountered throughout my lifetime expressed a wish to boost their self-confidence. And more than once a client came to me with this request.

I used to buy into the belief that self-confidence is a goal in itself and should be 'worked on'. Now I see things differently: it is not by focusing on increasing your confidence level that you gain more faith in yourself, but by making peace with past events, by being kinder to yourself, forgiving yourself and those who were hurtful to you. Automatically, you will start trusting your abilities more and more.

So instead of self-confidence being the 'objective', it is the 'result' of your inner labor. One of the many great side effects that are born out of having the courage to go to 'that place inside yourself you have been avoiding most of all'...

© Els De Schaepmeester